I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
