I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
