OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
