Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
