we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize