I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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