you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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