im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize