listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
