"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
