Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize