dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
