Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
