If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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