why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
