I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
