so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I bet he comes in French.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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