i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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