Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Terrible idea I love it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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