So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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