Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
this is an emotional support booty call
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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