who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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