Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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