everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
the raccoons are back...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize