Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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