Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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