My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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