it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
