I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
