i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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