I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize