Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
