What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
