A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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