I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize