I wish they made helmets for livers.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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