so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
