There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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