BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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