nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
