I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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