I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
