Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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