i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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