And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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