I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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