clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
