Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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