I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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