upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
