I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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