he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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