I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
