Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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