You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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