the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
