Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize