she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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