just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
