he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
