Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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