You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize