Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Randomize
