I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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