yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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