When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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