This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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