I just pynch a tree in the face
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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