Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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